Today we’re giving you the inside tip on one of the trickiest land mines inside relationships – resolving issues; and we’re going to use the “It’s Not Forever” technique to get there. Let’s take a look at a problem Maria wanted to address with Dominic.
Maria:
Why don’t you ever tell me about your day? When you come home from work you just walk in the door, grab something to drink, and sit down on the couch. I ALWAYS tell you what’s going on in MY world!
Dominic:
Well, there just really isn’t that much to say. I mean, some days are about just going through the motions. And if bad stuff happens, I don’t really want to bring it up just so we can go over it.
Maria:
But it makes me feel like I’m not important when you don’t share things. I mean, I feel like I share EVERYTHING! Does it annoy you when I talk about MY day?
Dominic:
No, I don’t mind hearing about your day. It just seems there’s no point in me rehashing my every move just so you feel connected. I pretty much leave my work AT work. When I’m home, I’m home and ready to focus on the next thing.
Maria:
Oh wow, so you probably don’t even think about me during the day because you’re in your “work” world. It’s pretty obvious that I only fit into your “at home” box. Sometimes I wonder if you really even care about me! (and Maria storms off!)
Dominic:
(to himself): What the heck just happened? Just because I don’t want to walk in the door and give a report, now I don’t care about her???
This may not precisely illustrate a problem you experience in your relationship, but the concept and solution can be applied to a myriad of issues. Using our “It’s Not Forever” technique, let’s take a look at how this conversation could have gone instead of the train wreck it was above.
Maria:
Hey, Baby! How was your day?
Dominic:
Oh, fine. Hey – tonight’s the final episode of that show we’ve been watching!
Maria:
Oh yeh, you’re right. So, Honey, can I ask you a question?
Dominic:
Shoot.
Maria:
Well, you know how I’m always catching you up on the saga of my office drama? Well, that’s a way for me to bring you into my world. So when I ask you about your day, your “Fine’s”, “Okay’s”, and “Nothing much to tell’s” make me feel shut out. I’d really like for you to just tell me a little bit about your day.
Dominic:
Oh! Well honestly, I’m not shutting you out. I just like to leave work AT work.
Maria:
Really? That’s IT? Because when you won’t talk about it, I start to think all kinds of things … like, are you hiding something? Is everything ok? Am I too boring to talk to these days …?
Dominic:
Wow – that’s not it at all! Really! It’s more like … work is in my work compartment. Home is in my home compartment. Food is in my “what’s for dinner?” compartment. I’m not keeping secrets, and I don’t think you’re boring!
Maria:
ome and decompressed, we take 2 to 5 minutes to recap our day with each other. You could give me a couple minutes to fill me in, couldn’t you?
Dominic:
Hmmm … I guess. I mean, it sorta feels like you want me to report in, but if it makes you feel more connected when I tell you about my day at work, I could probably manage 2 minutes.
Maria:
Thanks, Honey! Let’s just try it – if you absolutely hate those 2 minute talks, at the end of a month we can discuss another idea. Kiss to seal the deal?
Dominic:
Just a kiss????!
Pretty simple, isn ‘t it? Often when we address a conflict and offer a resolution or alternative way of doing things, it can feel like an overwhelming commitment to the other person. When the solution is offered as a temporary fix with the promise to do a reassessment after 30 days, each person will have greater buy in. Give it an effort – what’s one month in the scheme of life? It’s not forever!
